When we find ourselves in conflict with people, we are almost always reacting to their behaviour. We get annoyed, or hurt or worried when they behave in ways we don’t understand or approve of, that sit outside our system of values or don’t meet our needs. However, people are more than their behaviour. Behaviours are a bit like an iceberg – what is visible on the surface is a small matter compared to what sits below.
Below the surface lies the messy, murky, complex undercurrent of our emotions, fears and desires, our needs, values and belief systems. They, often unconsciously, drive the behaviours that manifest on the surface. Carl Gustav Jung, the father of analytical psychology famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” When we pay attention only to the behaviours, we don’t see the whole picture and are in danger of slipping into judgement.
I love this model from a colleague of mine, Hans Dieter Shuttle:
What we see above the surface are behaviours. What we see below the surface are drivers.
To be able to understand the other person truly, we need to dive below the surface and develop empathy. We need to be able to ask: What’s driving their behaviour? How are they feeling? What needs are being unmet?
If someone is behaving aggressively, we understand that this is because they are stressed and we may be able to navigate the situation very differently than without this insight. This way, the likelihood of getting a better outcome will be much higher than if we are merely reacting to the behaviour we see on the surface. Bear in mind that by being compassionate it doesn’t mean that we condone the behaviour - it just means that we understand what drives it and are able to respond to that.
To develop genuine compassion and empathy, we also need to be self-aware enough to notice our reaction first. We must approach the situation with calm and clarity, without taking what’s going on personally, otherwise, we will just react, pulled by our underground currents! Tricky, isn’t it?
It is okay to allow ourselves to pause and take a bit of time to process what is going on and how we are feeling. Perhaps we can look below the surface to spot our own drivers and needs. Often, we rush into decisions that we could have afforded to take some time with and had a better outcome as a result.
I also like this model from another friend and colleague of mine, the culture expert, Fiona Robertson.
According to this model, if people’s needs are met their behaviour will be broadly ‘functional’ and if their needs are not met, their behaviour will be broadly ‘dysfunctional’. So once we know that needs, met or unmet, drive behaviour, it's particularly useful to know what humans need most. But this is perhaps a topic for another blog :)