lis·ten [lis–uhn] verb
1. To give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing
2. To pay attention; heed
I was once told that Inuit’s have 20 names for snow. We have just one. The more intimate we are with something, the more we practice it, the more nuanced it becomes.
Chinese character TING embodies the practice of wholehearted listening:
Yes, it means to hear; but it also means to pay attention—with our ears, our eyes, and our hearts
Try these 5 tips to improve your listening:
1. In order to listen we need to be present
Most of us are too distracted to listen properly. Deep listening is a mindfulness practice – it requires attention, focus, patience, and self- awareness. It requires that we show up and put aside our busyness, and our bias.
Try listening to the sounds around you. Really listening. At first, you may not hear very much, but the more you listen, the more you hear. Out of the mindless static, the sounds begin to appear: the clock ticking, the sound of the crickets outside, a car driving past, a dog barking in the distance…
And suddenly, there is a richness, an experience of presence; of intimacy and connectedness.
2. Listen to more than just words
In conversations, try paying attention to what’s not being said as well. Notice the tone of voice, the body language, the mood they are in.
If what we are hearing is different from what we are sensing from the tone or the facial expression, guess which one is correct!
A study done by Dr. Albert Mehrabian at UCLA looked at the degrees to which emotional messages are sent through words, tone, and body language. Regarding the true meaning of an emotional message, Dr. Mehrabian found:
7 percent of meaning is in the words that are spoken
38 percent of meaning is in the tone of voice—the way the words are said
55 percent of meaning is in facial expression
3. Be comfortable with silence
The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT. - Alfred Brandel
I have heard of some indigenous cultures placing a pebble in their mouth when they are listening; That way they don’t interrupt. We all know what it’s like talking to someone who is clearly distracted or interrupts - it doesn’t make us feel valued and undermines our trust.
I often use this process in my workshops. I ask people to put a virtual pebble in their mouth and listen silently without interrupting for 2-3 minutes. Often, this is quite a confronting but valuable experience for both the listener and for the speaker.
Here are some insights from one of my workshops:
• When we interrupt others, we don’t allow them the space to explore more deeply. There may be another layer they can express if we don’t interrupt them.
• It gives us an opportunity to control our extroverted tendency to fill up space and allows introverts the space to share their wisdom.
• We learn more when we listen than when we talk.
• The goodness of feeling heard and being really listened to.
When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new - Dalai Lama
4. Listen with the intent to understand
Listening with the intent to understand is like digging for gold. As the person speaks, you can dive behind the narrative to listen for their intent.
You can try these ideas:
• You can listen to their commitment
• You can listen to what they care about or what worries them
• You can listen for what lights them up
• You can listen to their magnificence
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know. - Carl Rogers
5. Practice active listening and mirroring
To listen wholeheartedly means to drop the judgement.
Start with making the person you talk to feel like they matter. Make them feel safe.
Try to postpone judgement and assume positive intent.
Reflect back to them what you’ve heard them say. Reflect back both content and feeling:
So you feel ___________________ because ______________________.
Other helpful phrases might include:
You seem…
You sound…
What I’m hearing is…
As you see it…
Tell me more…
Is there anything else…
Its not just being listened to; It’s really feeling heard that is a game changer.