In the world of self-awareness, there are two types of people: those who think they are self-aware and those who actually are.
Recently, I came across a piece of research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich. She began by asking the question – How self-aware do you think we are? Something really staggering emerged – when asked, how self-aware do you think you are, 95% of people said that they think they are self-aware.
And yet when their claim was challenged through further questioning, how it relates to their behavior and how it is perceived by others, it turns out that only 10-15% of people are actually self-aware! Self-aware people seem to be so rare, she called them the self-awareness unicorns!
That means that on a good day, 80% of us are lying to ourselves!
So what is self-awareness and how do we become more self-aware?
According to Daniel Goleman, self-awareness is one of the five key elements of emotional intelligence; The other four are Self-regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Social skills.
Self-awareness is the ability to see ourselves clearly. To understand who we are, how we fit into the world and how other people see us.
"Self-aware people are more fulfilled, creative and have better relationships. They are more confident and better communicators. They are better liked and more trusted; they are less likely to lie and cheat, and they perform better at work and are more promotable and make better leaders." says Tasha Eurich
Understanding the fundamentals of mindfulness practice can offer some answers here, because the agency of mindfulness is all about the capacity to see things clearly, to see things as they are. And to see ourselves as we are.
Just because we have thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all valid. Furthermore, it is quite likely that we will not even be aware of what we are thinking the majority of the time.
Research tells us that an average person has 50 000 - 70 000 thoughts per day.
How many of these thoughts are we aware of? Are we aware of the impulses that create those thoughts? Are they coming from fear or aversion, or perhaps desire or insecurity? Are we aware of the mind states that are carrying those thoughts and feelings? What about the social conditioning behind them?
There is so little awareness primarily because most of our attention is caught up in being busy – both internally and externally – so that we don’t have the presence of mind to pay attention to what is actually driving our feelings, thoughts and actions!
This is what Otto Scharmer calls the great blind spot of our time – we were simply not raised or educated to pay attention mindfully.
Thankfully, it is possible to hone our attention and direct it towards observing and understanding our minds better. Research shows us that through the deliberate focus of our attention, in a relatively short time, we can notice changes in the actual brain activity, structure and connectivity.
But this is something that we need to do on purpose.
Mindfulness is a deliberate, disruptive practice!
Self-awareness develops gradually by becoming more aware of our inner world and then having a genuine desire to do something about it. It won’t magically happen if we merely continue to react to everything according to the power of our habits and conditioning. Practice makes perfect, by learning to pay attention in a new, focused way, every day, we can begin to rewire our brains and actually become more aware of ourselves, of others, and of the time and place we live in.
Here are some things you can try:
1. Start noticing your reactions – notice when you are stressed, anxious, or worried.
2. Learn to pause. Take a deep breath in and a slow breath out. Bring attention to your senses – the acronym – S. T.O. P. works really well: Stop Take a breath Observe Proceed. Start introducing regular small breaks throughout the day where you just breathe and stay focused for 3, 5 or 10 breaths
3. Replace self- criticism with acceptance. Practice being kind to to yourself
4. Get curious – start noticing your moods, see if you can capture some thoughts. Write them down.
5. Challenge your assumptions. When you notice them ask: Is it true? Is it a fact? Am I better or worse for thinking this?
6. Download a meditation app – insight timer, headspace or calm. Start with short but regular practice. If you need motivation you can create a streak – right now I am on 43 days of consecutive practice – 7 days short of 50 and almost half way to my goal of 100 consecutive days. Once meditation becomes a habit, its easy and you begin to reap huge benefits.